You left without as much as an Adieu,
No goodbyes,
With tears that were only mine….

A stolen day, A muted me,
Numbed by pain,
A feeling of loss,
I don’t know what.
Jarring Music to shut off the world around,
A matching stride to fool myself.
Too many things to do,
So many sights to see,
Life is a joy,
Then why does it feel like a staged performance?

A long long time back a friend messaged me saying, Time has a way of changing things but not the joy in wishing a friend like you... And this message stayed on - in my memory and on phone as well. I must have changed my sim card atleast half a dozen times and deleted a zillion messages to make room for new ones, but this one stayed on for some obscure reason.
And as of a few months back this said person and me are no more friends. Time really has a way of changing things.

P.S.: Are few things fated to occur? Does life leave us hidden clues that only time can unravel for us? Are we reading in between lines where there is no need to? Are there really para-devthas who say thathaasthu at random and god forbid you have an unpleasant wish/thought right then?

Just back home after watching Endiran. A movie of too many firsts for me - the first Tamil/Indian movie I watched in Melbourne in a theatre being just one of the firsts. It was also the first Rajnikanth movie I saw in a theatre! Yea..Shame on me and my ten years in Chennai. For once, I don't really have anything to say in my defence. Except that I tried to do something about it and saw the First Day First Show of Endiran in Melbourne.

The plan was to do it on Saturday and we even had tickets for the Saturday show. But when you have people like me and R, the best laid plans fizzle out and plans are made on the go. We planned to watch Bose engira Bhaskaran movie on CD which we had just bought at the Indian store and we were making our way back to my apartment when
a chap asked us directions to the Greater Union. Neither of us knew that Endiran was all set to release today in Australia and when we knew, we had to make this trip to the theatre and try to get tickets for today. Thanks R for not saying Yes when I wanted to go home. We somehow managed to get tickets and decent seats and watched
the movie too. And got back home to FB. I didn't want to say much about the movie initially,tut then when have I ever gone with my first thought? And more ever,like my cousin says.. Who wants to go to a theatre to see an Old Man?
So rubbing it on your face it is - I saw Endiran before you! This might be the only joy to be had from seeing the movie.

About the movie - no Rajani punch lines;many many stunts;action sequences inspired from Matrix, Godzilla,Mummy Series.
Dialog- no good. Music doesn't really amaze you the first time around but not outright bad either.I thought the movie was going to be like Bicentinal Man, but that didn't happen either.The movie had like two/three high points. Aishwarya Rai didn't do much, please don't ask when did she ever.She is P and T, no Y :) Casting was okay though - I did expect some laughs from the two side kicks in the lab,but they didn't have much of a role either.
Ice as a doc student romancing a Dr. Rajni, who by the way has been working on a 'Tin-head' for ten years is way too much! Neither of them looks any young! The tin-head was not cute, atleast not the way Ice gushes over him until he crossed over to the other camp. After that he looked like one of those things from the DD serial called Chandrakantha - the one that goes about saying 'Yakkooooooo' every now and then.

Like one of the guys said on the way out - Idukku, veetla beer aduchu thalaya saachurkalaam. Illa Dabaang paathirkalaam. Pst Pst.. More laughs in that one I hear...Overall Okay.
Its one of those movies you definitely must watch - everybody's gonna be watching it and if you care to be in and contribute to the conversations that are going to follow, you know what to do!

Btb, we have two tickets for the Sat evening show. And we sure do not want to watch it again.. Any takers?
Err... Is this why you asked me to say something nice about the movie, R?

An update on the afternoon where-in I decide to soak up on some sun-shine.
Thanks to Melbourne’s ever changing totally unpredictable weather and my own internal clock that is always on a lag-mode, I stepped out of the apartment at 4:30 only to find it no more sunny! In fact, my on-loan-from-flatmate sweat shirt was keeping me warm even though I only had the hide-the-fat intentions while donning it. I had only thirty minutes to head to the City Library, return my books and find something decent enough to read. I am not really particular about what I read, the philosophy of everything and anything goes ruling both my taste buds and my taste in books. But for quite some time now, I have been doing my best to find refuge in a known author – not up for much experimentation there right now. True, I read and loved Wuthering Heights a couple of weeks back, which I have been meaning to read for the last fourteen-fifteen years and its not even a difficult book to get your hands upon for that matter. But WH affected me like no other book, its truly gothic! It took me a couple of days to finish it, I couldn’t find it in me to do it in one sitting and it was way too exhausting. The last couple of reads have been light on the mind. So I wanted enough time at the library to borrow something like that. I managed to find something I liked in less than five minutes and in a rare one of those moments sorta thing decided to borrow a couple of Learn French DVDs. Wish me luck on that one. I do hope I have the discipline to use them.
And then I went on the weekly piligrimage to the Indian Store. Back in India, grocery shopping was just another thing that had to be done. I don’t think I ever gave so much thought to what I was buying as long as I had something stacked up at home. But now, I know I cannot make this trip for another week and I need to do a bit of planning about what I want to and might want to eat during the week.
It was my trip back home that was interesting. I saw my boss walking at the other side of the street, going the opposite way. He didn’t notice me, the street was way too wide for me to be able to catch his eye and neither did I have to, like it sometimes is. Like sometimes, I just have to do certain things. He was on a call and was waiting to cross an intersection. And as he was just about to cross, he had the same clueless look like that I have sometimes. Gosh, what do you know! It doesn’t matter how old you get to be. You can still be clueless and it is totally okay for you to be so. I know – its taken me so many years to learn this one!
The next intersection I saw this Chinese kid trying to cross the street. He had this suitcase he was trying to lug around and maybe it was too heavy for him. He lost his footing, came in-front of a car, managed to get one of his slip-ons off. Way too embarrassing – one slipper on the foot, the other on the road and our guy trying to get his act together. The driver thankfully didn’t do the “Saavu Kraaki” routine or maybe there is no proper English equivalent for that term. And this guy managed to cross the door and later put on his other slipper. And he smiled. To himself. I am not going to come out with some random interpretation on how this made me feel ‘cos I have none. It was just weirdly cute!
I walked up the street, smiling to myself – one expedition that went well. I can still entertain myself and that is just a nice feeling. When you do not always need people around or the voices in your head to keep you amused. And I saw this restaurant on the Paris End of the Collins where they let you sit outside under those huge umbrellas. Something caught my eye and it wasn’t until I looked again that it struck me what it was. Everyone eating in that restaurant or at least everyone who had chosen to eat outside was a well-dressed-above-forty woman. Maybe everyone out there was having a girl’s day out, with a sister/friend. Mani, V and A – you were in my thoughts today. Another picture on my mind was the Old Woman dressed in her bridal dress from ‘The Great Expectations’ - I need to hunt up that book now. Another random thought!
An hour of soaking in on the bath tub, reading a not-so-bad book made the day better. Think will make some pasta for dinner now and call it a day. A peaceful end to what had started off as a chaotic-muddled-up day.

I was talking to a friend's brother, someone I had come to know towards the end of my days in Bangalore. His cousin is A, b-school friend and one of my closest friends. So close that I think she now tries to avoid talking my ever sounding low calls. Hic Hic...
Now A's brother is amazing. He has this pretty neat uncomplicated way of looking at things that I am so jealous of. He is all plain speak and that is again a trait I have searched for in people I meet, in vain. All in all, he is like the brother I never had - always teasing me, making me see things in a different perspective, making me cry a couple of times and giving me loads of sensible advice. And for somebody much younger than me, he is pretty stable, again something I am envious of.

So we were just chatting up and he asks me how I have been and if I have been busy. Its a rebuke, for not having stayed in touch like I said I would while moving out of Bangalore.So I tell him, it aint that, just that lots of things have been happening.. So many things to deal with. And he asks me out of the blue - How is that possible, you and problems don't stay anywhere close. That brought a smile on my lips... Its a nice sunny day outside.. Think will go get some Vitamin D :)

Just when I decided to blog frequently and take up writing a little seriously, stuff happened. Me moving to Melbourne is one. I also had to learn a much needed lesson in a bad way – You need to be very cautious while choosing whom to call your friend. I am over the mopping phase now (touch wood, hopefully it lasts!).
Just when you think your life has become way too complicated for you to handle, you realise there is a simple reason why it is so!
And hopefully, I will blog. write. smile. be myself :)

Hello Guys,

Been quite a while since I posted here. Quite a couple of things on my mind that writing something that would make sense to a sane head was completely out of scope!
Now what was on my mind is something that you are not about to hear, not now not ever! You learn is all that I can say. Now over with that. :)

For those who did not know earlier, I am in Melbourne. Aparna knows and since she seems to be the only one reading my blog,everybody knows :) If there is someone else, the silent reader types - welcome and do leave a comment behind. Oh yea, thats me - the one with the hope against hope hopen kinda hope! I could do with some cheering right now.

Its been two weeks here. I wont do the like it/ dislike it part. It is way too soon. Its cold here, the weather is good on my skin and I like that part. My hair though is quite another story. Hopefully Parachute from the Indian Stores does its magik. Getting used to the 'scene' on street is a different thing altogether. I am so used to doing the turn to your left, then right, then left routine while trying to cross the road. Here, you just need to see the traffic signals. That huge leap of faith is something I haven't yet managed to find in myself. Also, I do not loose my way any more, fingers crossed. Wouldn't wanna jinx it.

It is not a big city, like an aquaintance once said 6 streets horizontal, 6 streets vertical. You can practically walk yourself across the street. Its easy to get/feel lost however. Small towns are easier that way I reasoned with myself while waiting for a friend on the street. Small place, friendly people, easy life... And then, I saw a common house sparrow. And another. And for reason that cannot be explained here,I felt a strong sense of belonging.Maybe it was the DDLJ ka "yahaan ka kaboothar kabhi India ho aayaa tha" logic or maybe there was just "something" about seeing something like a sparrow at a time when I was feeling lost and vulnerable. I know it sounds poetic, but then thats how I felt. :)

Or Maybe I am filmi!!And the rest of the evening only made things better - the stroll across Victoria Market, speaking in Telugu with the guy at the Indian store, longish conversations with another poor lost soul here, late night chai... It feels like home.

And on that note, Good Night to you guys....

Flash Back

Some two years and a couple of months back, I was in Bombay.One night, dinner with two girls from work and big time bonding over food, fashion and work. The conversation steered toward 'problems in our lives' (for some reason!). And my friends took turns to elucidate one by one, the problems in their lives - the list just didn't seem to end. After what seemed like eternity, they looked back at me - I hadn't opened my mouth. I mean, not that I didn't have any problems but I was happy. Hey wait,I really didn't have any problems. And I said so.

Fast Forward

I do not think I can say that now - the No problems thing. Atleast not without battling an eyelid. And then it wouldn't really mean anything, would it?

Just a thought.

Ever wondered how as kids we always thought everything was smashing, great, awesome. Just Bindaas!
And how as we grow up the superlatives are all replaced by nice, okay, good and so on.
Are our previous younger day experiences so amazingly wondrous that everything pales out in comparison? Perhaps Painful Growing Up lessons include a whole chapter devoted to Modesty? Do we grow up to be dignity personified selves only to be painfully shy to acknowledge the best times we had? Or maybe we are just plain superstitious to not to want to jinx our good luck?

Some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.

I don't think Ogden Nash ever ever had a cold!

Anuradha Ma’am teaching civic class, 9B Circa 1998

Why is the right to education for all children under the age of 14 on the Directive Principles of State Policy and not a Fundamental Right?
Does it mean the government refuses to accept education as a fundamental right? Does making education a fundamental right automatically mean everyone will have access to it? How does matter to the government as to what education is – ain’t it imperative on the government’s part to ensure access to education for all? And probably it ain’t just access – maybe we would also need laws to enforce compulsory education for all.
And some twelve years later, Education does become a constitutional right!

PS: I am not expecting much immediately.But this shows a lot about our attitude. And hopefully things will fall in place.

It still hurts.
The pain I thought long gone
Still hurts.

I buried the pain deep
In the darkest recess of my heart.

I thought I had forgotten all about it.
But how do you forget a thing you know you have forgotten?

The pain is back and it’s just the same.
I turn to words – trying to write away the pain.
How I wish I didn't have to write this.

One of my earliest memories from my childhood is Appa reading out aloud to me and my sister. He would usually read from one of the numerous books he bought for us – usually Children's books originally in Russian translated into English or mythological books. He would sit on a chair. Madhu (my sister) would sit on the floor and I would sit on the arm rest, cuddling up to Appa.
And I hated it!
My sister would look up to Appa, engrossed in his narration. And I would have finished reading the page and would be impatiently waiting for Appa to turn the page. Appa however wouldn’t be hurried into anything (another trait I seem to have caught from him - I have to do things at my own pace - I will not be hurried/slowed down!) and he would read out aloud, pausing at every comma and full stop and stressing at significant places. His intonation of speech was amazing. In short, a lesson in prosody.
However, I never had the patience to appreciate any of it! After reading the current page, I did start fidgeting; I already knew what was in the page and wanted to know what was on the next. Madhu however would hang onto each word of his and would listen in rapt attention.
Appa soon realized that it was not my obsessive love for him that made me sit so close to him. And he hated the fact that I was sneakily peeking into the book. He made me sit on the floor from then on, but it was never the same again. Soon he stopped doing the read-out-aloud sessions and I went back to reading on my own.
But Madhu missed those sessions and so did Appa. I think it hurt Appa more than anything else.
Appa still tries to read out to me, from the Business line or one of his published papers. And I still fidget!!
Amma never took a picture of this, but I have gotten it in my head. I just need to close my eyes and remember.

PS: How I wish I had the sense to sit back and enjoy back then. I still can't do that!!

The other day I asked a friend to stop brooding. And was magically transported back to class nine, KVAN.
It was the English class and PG, our English teacher was having a difficult time managing us(as usual). We were supposed to dramatize one of the English plays in our text book titled Meera Bhai and PG was randomly picking up people from different groups and asking them to play bits from the Play.
I was in Group Two - I was Meera Bhai, Nithin was the Rana, Suba was the Rani, Aravind was Bhojraj, Prasad was Jaisalmer, Deepika was Meera's nurse and Ramya was Sanjogta (Meera's close friend and lady-in-waiting).
The scene we choose to enact was the one where-in the Rana tries to reason out with Meera and get her to act 'normal'. He tells her to play with the children and knit and sew with the women.

Nithin asked me to stop breeding. Yea, you got that right. He was supposed to say brooding, but it came out as breeding. I thought it was so funny that I started laughing my goofy laugh and the whole class was in splits too. I soon realized that the joke was on me, but it was way too funny for me to stop laughing!

Like I tell you, Being N!V! ain't easy!

PS: PG thought I did make a better Rani than a Meera. I agreed 'cos I didn't want to be asked to breed, not again. I wore a parrot green sari and towered over the Rana. Meera forgot her dialogues. I forgot to face the audience while saying my part and when I remembered, I was talking to the audience and not to the people on the stage! All of us were just mouthing the dialogues and none of us got the chemistry right. I was miffed because I knew this was going to happen - I was always shepherding people into the rehearsals and nobody ever took the rehearsals seriously!

And yet, this is one of those things in my life that never fails to bring a smile on my face.

Flashes of light can mean so many things – it can mean thunder, bringing with it the imminent rain; it can mean a camera clicking somewhere near, capturing a memorable moment for posterity; it can mean the flash from a welding arc that joins together two metal pieces; it can mean a plain flashlight brought out to aid sight in the dark by a battery-life conscious soul; it can even mean a plain hallucinated you!

However, with me it can just mean retinal detachment. Oblige me if I ask you if you saw the flashes too.

oru naNban irundhaal
oru naNban irundhaal
kaiyoadu boomiyai sumandhidalaam
thodu vaanam pakkamae
thoda vaeNdum naNbaney
nam paeril thisaigaLai ezhudhalaam
kadalil nadhigaL peyar kalandhadhu
indha natpil engaL uyir kalandhadhu
natpu enbadhu engaL mugavari
idhu vaazhkai paadathil mudhal vari
indha ulagil miga perum yaeNi
naNban illaadhavan hey



thoazh meedhu kai poattu koNdu
thondriyadhellaam paesi oorai sutri vandhoam vandhoam
oruvar veettilae paduthu thoonginoam natpin poarvaikkuLLae
indha kaadhal kooda vaazhkkaiyil azhagilae thoandrumae
thoazhan endra sondham ondru
thoandrum namadhu uyiroadu


nenjukkuL nenjukkuL uLLa
eNNangaL eNNagaL solla naNban ore sondham
namadhu maejaiyil uNavu koottaNi adhil natpin rusi
ada vaazhkai payaNam maaRalaam natpu dhaan maaRuma?
aayuL kaalam thaerndha naaLil
naNban mugham dhaan maRakkaadhey

Dear Readers,

Thank you for your wonderful support in keeping this blog running. Your constant encouragement in the form of nil comments has kept me going on. After all we all need something to strive for, don't we?

And I thought I had achieved what I had toiled for, when I found four comments waiting to be moderated. That made my otherwise depressing day. Well if that is a pleasant surprise, wait till I tell you more. The first advertised a medical insurance policy, the second one talked about how a lady and her husband found a wonder drug and how happy they have been since then (whateva!), the third one egged me to open another link if I wanted to make money (guess this reader was just being concerned about my job, given the amount of time I spend doing total time pass in office ;) ) and the fourth one was trying to sell me something that I didn’t need in a language I didn’t understand.

I guess I might actually have a need for that insurance after all. There is only so much heartbreak that my frail heart can take after a short lived bout of happiness.

PS 1: I think I am gonna ctrl C + ctrl V some sample spam comments.

PS 2: The Non Spammers amongst my otherwise silent readers are encouraged to comment and the
not so silent ones amongst the Non spammers are encouraged to comment more. You will make my day :)