Sony Max, 8:00 p.m.

That is where I am gonna be tonight.

Update
It was'nt the same.

A colleague and a fellow “Joined Company on XXX” flew back from Bulgaria yesterday and dropped into office post lunch. I am usually not very social after lunch, preferring to slump away in a half asleep half awake state until it’s time for my afternoon tea. And while I was enjoying my afternoon siesta as much as I could on my office chair, which by the way is no recliner; this Laddie walks up to me and says a good natured Hi. So far so good. Except for, one – I didn’t exactly want to talk to anybody then and two – I didn’t exactly want to talk to him.
You see, I am on what is called in IT parlance ‘the bench’. The bench is probably the best place to be in when you want to leave office early for shopping, when you don’t feel like going to office because you just feel like sleeping off last night’s hangover or when you want to take extended tea/lunch breaks as my dear friend Apar found out. However it is also the place where you don’t want to be in when you are in one of those pensive moods, evaluating your career and where you go on from here. And as a bencher, your friends are fellow benchers and you try to stay away from the non-benchers. There would be good natured queries on the bench status and condolences on not being on any project. And there are only a finite number of times that you can laugh it away and say it’s nice not being overworked for a change. Or joke about paid vacations. Or make the other person feel bad about not being on bench.
And as someone who has spent the last two months warming the bench, I dint quite feel up to the task. And while I quickly went about numerous excuses in my mind as to how I could cut the conversation short and make a quick exit, Laddie asks me why I am not my usual cheery self. Numerous attempts to deny so turned futile. I heard someone saying “Maybe that’s the effect you have on me”. Err, that was ME! Needless to say, Laddie made a show of wanting to talk to somebody in the next cubicle and made a quick exit. He never even as much glanced in my direction for the rest of the day, or at least till I called it a day.
And you know what? I didn’t feel bad about it. Sorry for him though. Okay just a li'l bit, but jus' a li'l. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow. :)

PS: I am now officially looking for a job. Looking for a project management/ corporate finance/general management role in an IT company – it’s the only business I have been formally trained in. Any inputs/suggestions/leads will be appreciated.

I do not recognise myself anymore. I am no longer the person I thought I was. And I am not quite the person that I thought I did grow up to be.
It is not quite that I don't like the person I have turned out to be. What I need to figure out is if this is the person I want to be.
To be or not to be. :)

An eye on the television, nay both eyes glued to the television now that my mother is no longer around to coax me into getting back to studying. I am still the errant teenager in more ways than one. A certificate examination next Saturday which is quite the "hard nut to crack", a Bengali roommate who can't understand Tamil, an hour past twelve by when I had decided to give up on my attempt to get back to books and all set to nod off with the fond hope that my books may have a greater appeal to me tomorrow (by now, its already tomorrow) morning 5 a.m. than now (fat chance that) and Alaipayuthe aired on K TV.

It was'nt a very difficult decision to make. Fate had decided so when my roomie not only switched on the channel but also started watching it. Now, how could I possibly try to go against what was already destined to be.

The movie brought back a zillion memories. Of hearing the music track for the first time in Revathi's house, of contemplating Shalini's character in the movie going by the lyrics (Timuru ku arasan and so on), of Shubha crooning the 'Netru Mun Iravil' piece in a very male-ish (read her own) voice, of watching the movie at Udhayam and of course, having this huge crush on Madhavan. The 90s movies never stop affecting me - maybe it has also got to do with my age at that time. I dont think a movie like KKHH would keep me engrossed today, but I can watch the original KKHH any day and every day. True, not a great movie but dont you ever tell me that. I loved the KKHH reference in Dostana too. The 90s music too - I think AR Rahman was better back then than now. Try telling me otherwise and you are up against a rock solid wall.

Maybe at that age (not that I am pretty old now, just a decade back :) ), things affected us more than they can probably do now. Maybe thats the reason we feel the way we feel about our first loves too, we never seem to be able to shrug off that feeling, no matter how lucky we get later on. Nothing seems to measure up. :) And before a few smart alecks, some of whom hopefully still keep getting back to my blog in the fond hope that I may have gotten over my writer's block yet start asking me about this - I said first loves which can mean just about anything. Yeah, that too. :)

Its been three years since I first blogged. From an initial reluctance to write about myself this blog has seen me getting more comfortable sharing the unanswered questions on my mind, how I feel/thing about certain issues and the going-ons in my life with fellow netizens who frequent my blog.
It has really been nice having you guys around. Thank You! Your comments made many a day for me.
Quite a few of my last posts have wallowed in self doubts and reveal a Me that is very skeptical of what is to come. In fact after five days at home, I find my recent posts rather depressing to read. :)
But this too shall pass.
Hoping I find myself again, very soon and you keep your patience till then. :)
And last but not the least, wishing my blog a Happy Birthday!!

A couple of days back somebody I hardly knew asked me if I believed in God. It had been quite a while since somebody had asked this question and I dint know what to say. Do I say No and be branded as an aetheist and a non-conformist? Do I say Yes? Saying the truth, atleast to the person in question was out of question - he wouldnt understand as wouldnt most people.

The truth is an indifference - It stopped worrying me a long time back as to why I dont know the answer to a question questioning my beliefs. This question used to drive me crazy back at school - I dint want to believe in a God to whom one prayed to, for good things. I believed that a li'l bit of hard work and some smart thinking was all that was required to create one's destiny. I dint want to believe in a God who was benevolent to his devotees inspite of whatever they had done. I dint want to believe in a God who was'nt always as fair and just as he would be expected to be. But most of all, I believed that the ultimate thing we all must answer to is our own conscience - If we can look into our own eyes without fear and with pride intact - thats all that matters. Because regardless who knows what, we would always know.

And as time went by, I stopped praying and going to temples on my own. I had my own strong sense of right and wrong and as long as I stayed within the boundaries of right, I had nothing to fear. I still went to temples with my parents though. I looked at the people around me, their radiant faces while they had their arms up in prayer - is this what belief and conviction do to people? The fact that there is a God who will always make things right for them must ease out of lots of things for them ( this is not meant to be condescending or patronising) - As for me, the truth that I can make my own destiny is also a bit overwhelming - What if I goof up? I am but a doubter amongst strong believers in a temple.

I try to reason out with myself as to how people had to invent this mythical God - those were the savage times - People could'nt be expected to know the right from wrong. They had to have a punishing Deity - like the ones numerous villages still have. And a benevolent God when they did the right things. The Pagan God was necessary to make sure people did'nt become arrogant because of what they had been able to achieve so far as much as to give a hope to people that they were'nt alone and that a much greater power would always step in when things got a bit rough.

Nothing helped though. Then I read Robert Langdon's Angels and Demons. It made a nice read. And it also set me thinking. There is a part when Victoria asks Langdon whether he believes in God. Langdon tells her how difficult it is for him to believe in a God who would 'rule in such a way' ( Codes of conduct, requirements and penalties).

And this is what Victoria says

"Mr. Langdon, I did not ask if you believe what man says about God. I asked if you believed in God. There is a difference. Holy scripture is stories . . . legends and history of man's quest to understand his own need for meaning. I am not asking you to pass judgment on literature. I am asking if you believe in God. When you lie out under the stars, do you sense the divine? Do you feel in your gut that you are staring up at the work of God's hand?"

( yea.even Fictional Novels and Romantic Commedies can have deep moments.)

And my answer is I dont know. When I was at the top a hillock at Trayambakeshwar or walking by the side of the creek in Dubai - I was overwhelmed. I had goosebumps all over me. I could'nt exactly put into words how I felt - but I knew I would always remember the feeling.

And so, when this guy asked me 'If I believed in God"; I said yes. Yea I do but perhaps not the same sort of God. And perhaps not the same kind of belief. I dont know if I am agnostic, pagan or simply aetheist. And it doesnt bother me.

Koi To Ho...

koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
ho koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey marnaa ho to, jeenaa paDe
baDi mushqil hai ye dil vil, ye dil vil uf allaah
ye dil vil uf allaah

koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey he he marnaa ho to, jeenaa paDe

ho.. koi to ho, mil jaaye to
hey.. shaaKhoN pe rakh ke aise sajaayeN
aaNkhoN mein saare mausam bitaayeN
shabnam mein bheegi baaten sunaayeN
aaNkhoN mein saare mausam bitaayeN
ke aaNkhoN mein, koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey marnaa ho to, jeenaa paDe

huN.., ta na na ta na te re na, ta na te re na

aisaa bhi hogaa ek roz to, jab tum hamaare ghar aao to
ho ruk jaayeN saari duniyaa ke raste
aa jaayeN aaNsoo jab haNste haNste
phir nahin aanaa, na kahin jaanaa
ruk jaayeN raahen, muk jaayeN raste ke raste mein
koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
baDi mushqil hai ye dil vil, ye dil vil uf allaah
ye dil vil uf allaah